She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
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