i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
