I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
don't judge my taste in strippers
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
