She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Two words: blizzard sex
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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