He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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