god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
