At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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