On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
