I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
