The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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