he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
