There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
