He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
