I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
