I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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