Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
