A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize