she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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