Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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