you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
