One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
