True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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