I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
