I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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