apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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