I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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