Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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