mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
