I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
