Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
