he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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