Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
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