A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
