I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize
