Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
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