I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I want to have your abortion
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
