my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
