If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
