So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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