Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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