I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
