Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
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