It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
