Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I checked into jail on foursquare
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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