Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
