You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
