can u get pink eye on your cock?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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