So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize