Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
