the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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