We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
