Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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