I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
