dude i'm inner monologue high
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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