when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
