mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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