I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
