i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
These tits shall not be calmed
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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