At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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