did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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