Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
